Bush Vows To Remove Toxic Petroleum From National Parks

Posted on July 6, 2008. Filed under: Uncategorized |

WASHINGTON, DC–Vowing to “restore the pristine splendor of America’s natural treasures,” President Bush Monday unveiled “Project: National Parks Clean-Up,” an ambitious program to remove all toxic petrochemical deposits from national parks by 2004.
 
“Places like Yellowstone and Yosemite were once pure, unspoiled wilderness,” Bush said at a White House press conference. “But over the course of the past 10 million years, we have allowed them to become polluted with toxic fossil-fuel deposits, turning a blind eye to the steady build-up of vast quantities of dangerous pollutants. It’s time to end this terrible neglect.”
 
To underscore the severity of the crisis, Bush produced a chart illustrating survey results for Yellowstone National Park, where a “staggeringly huge” toxic-petroleum deposit was discovered.
 
“This amount represents the equivalent of 40,000 supertankers worth of oil,” said Bush, gesturing toward a line on the chart. “To put the dangers into perspective, consider this: If these ‘petro-poisons’ should ever spill out into the park itself, the resulting environmental disaster would be 40,000 times worse than the damage caused by the wreck of the Exxon Valdez.”
 
Bush Vows_jump“We cannot allow such a thing to happen,” Bush said. “We must remove this oil now, before it’s too late.”
 
Under the Bush plan, 7.2 billion tons of toxic petroleum would be removed by the target date of January 2004. Unlike other federal environmental clean-up initiatives, administration officials say the plan would pay for itself, offsetting costs through the sale of petroleum byproducts produced as a result of the clean-up process.
 
The clean-up, EPA chief Christine Todd Whitman said, may even prove profitable, a prospect that has attracted the participation of private industry. Already, many U.S. companies have expressed interest in lending assistance, and it is hoped that these companies will carry out much, or perhaps all, of the clean-up effort.
 
“Nothing is more important than the legacy we leave future generations,” Bush said. “The costs of this project pale in comparison to the importance of safeguarding our planet’s ecosystem. Our primary mission must be to protect and foster our nation’s most precious natural resource: oil. I mean, the environment.”
 
Nice humor read via  theonion
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